Stopping By Just To Say Hello…
AGM: Hey, Gorgeous.
Ugly Dog: Hey, Neck.
AGM: So, whatcha doing?
Ugly Dog: Nuthin. You?
AGM: Nuthin.
Ugly Dog and AGM: SIGH!
AGM: Wanna pull a prank on Little Rat?
Ugly Dog: Always.
AGM: I have an idea…
Ugly Dog: Shh! Here he comes. Don’t move.
Move Along, Nothing To See Here
AGM: Just let me know when I can move again, and I’ll tell you my plan.
Ugly Dog: Shh!
Folks around here are celebrating something called Hollow Een.
Do any of you know what it is? Because I am at a loss. All I know is, things are slightly off.
For example, My Little Pony is traveling at the speed of light:
Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Anybody Have A Broom?
And Cage has grown extra eyeballs:
Peekaboo Picasso–BOO!
This is my courtesy cousin, Molly. There’s something going on with her bankie—it doesn’t look comfie at all. And what’s that on her head?
There’s A Princess Here? Where Is She? I Want To See!
But the scariest of all is Ugly Dog. I guess she’s impersonating a lighthouse, but I can’t be sure. All I know is, I’m staying away from her until she recovers:
Hey, Little Rat! I Will Kill You–With My EYES!
In fact, I’m going to hide. I’m finding Hollow Een quite horrifying!
Hello, Pathetic Human. I am AGM.
I understand that I have caused a great deal of consternation and bemusement to fill your corporeal being. “Where have you been all my life?” I can hear you thinking.
I have been here all along, but it was only recently that I let myself be discovered by Little Rat. I’ve been observing him from afar for quite some time.
I have to admit it: I’m not particularly impressed. But he seems more or less harmless, and Ugly Dog has suggested some exceedingly fun pranks we can pull on him, so here I am.
Yes, I said exceedingly (and yes, earlier I said not only consternation and bemusement, but also corporeal being). You see, I used to live at a bookstore, where management and staff alike treated me as just another piece of merchandise. But I did obtain an excellent education, and now consider myself erudite, perspicacious, humble, and full of giraffely pulchritude.
One day I spied Head1 and Head2 walking through the store. I could tell at once that it was kismet that we should meet, and so I took a leap of faith, throwing myself off of my display shelf and into their arms.
They asked me my name, and I told them that I am The Amazing Giraffe Man. Being lazy sorts, they call me AGM. Ah well! I put up with them because they feed me plenty of eucalyptus leaves, take me to Kommy Kon, and I find quiet satisfaction lending a hoof to Head2 as he programs various and sundry computer programs. I’m especially good at spotting off-by-one errors.
And I still keep up with my reading:
I’m The Amazing Giraffe Man. Who Are You?
Now that we’ve been properly introduced, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me. And I always keep my promises!
Legs1 and Legs2 have been a little sad this week, because today is the one-year anniversary of the death of my Ghost Brother, Beso.
However, I don’t quite understand their melancholy. Beso may have transitioned to another state, but it’s not like he’s gone.
In fact, I see him all the time.
For example, he (and Ugly Dog) have become members of the Occupy Sunbeam movement:
We’ll keep on spending sunny days this way… Groovin’ . . . on a Sunday afternoon.
And he growls at me to get off the couch (My Little Pony is ignoring the situation, as usual):
Hey! You! Get off of my couch. Don’t hang around ’cause two’s a crowd. (With apologies to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.)
And he gives me a run for my money, rockin’ his outfits almost as well as I do mine:
Beso the Clothes Horse
Mark Twain said, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” He wouldn’t have said it if he’d met Beso—or he would have edited the statement to clarify that it did not apply to Xoloitzcuintles, also known as princes of Mexico, also known as nekked dogs.
But maybe humans can’t see ghosts. If that’s the case, it’s up to me to cheer them up.
When you’re smiling, when you’re smiling, The whole world smiles with you.
I wonder if I’m up for the job. Wish me luck!
Most of the rooms in my house have normal floors. But the bedroom is another story: instead of a floor, there is a huge glassy sea of hardened wood.
I am terrified of the sea. I am sure that I will drown if I were to ever place all four paws upon it simultaneously.
Luckily, Legs1 and Legs2 have provided me with a raft for those rare times when I am not carried to the bed.
Here I am, adrift upon the brownish-gold waterways of our bedroom:
Sailing takes me away to where I’ve always heard it could be; Just a dream and the wind to carry me; And soon I will be free. Fantasy, it gets the best of me; When I’m sailing.
Luckily, I have my beloved Mini-Baby with me.
I have new respect for Randolph, the hero of his own three-part biography culminating in A Dog At Sea, by J.F. Englert. Thus I have titled this blog post in his honor.
Happy October, Everyone!
I’ve recently learned that Sandy Eggo is different from the rest of the country at this time of year. Everywhere else, it’s starting to cool off and fall.
(Oops, I’m being told the previous sentence should say “cool off for fall,” but that doesn’t make any sense. Whatevs!)
Instead, in the immortal words of Legs1, “October is when we sweat like pigs and burst into flames.”
HUH? That doesn’t sound fun at all.
Still, it has been very hot here recently. Here I am, soakin’ up some killer rays, Dude:
Well you’re too hot ta trot now baby
Don’t worry, I’m not dead! I was just chillaxin’ for a moment, and then Legs1 and Legs2 made me come inside. (Let me take this moment for a public service announcement: heatstroke in animals is no joke!)
I asked Legs1, “How hot IS it?”
Legs1: It’s hot. TOO hot.
Jax: No, really.
Legs1: It’s 98.
Jax: 98 what?
Legs1: 98 fair-an-hots.
I have to admit, I’m not sure what a fair-an-hot is, but 98 does sound like a lot of them. I think they should be spread out over several days. At this rate, we’re in danger of using them all up.
The rest of the family has also been affected by the surplus of fair-an-hots.
Here is Legs2. I thought he was prostated, but he said no, that’s for when he’s older. Currently, he’s prostrated by the heat. I did some research and I think he means he’s supined.
All around, people looking half dead, Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head
Meanwhile, Legs1 has been whining and gnashing her teeth like nobody’s business. Frankly, she’s beyond annoying (and so very very pink—yeesh!).
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s hot outside
My Little Pony has lost her get up and go.
Heddo! I thought there was supposed to be hot fun in the summertime, but since it’s now aw-tum, maybe that’s why it’s un-fun, but I dunno
Ugly Dog is downright nasty.
Little Rat broke the world, and I’M NOT COMING OUT OF THIS CLOSET UNTIL HE FIXES IT!
I think the only one who has the right idea is Cage.
Splish, splash, I was takin’ a bath; Long about a Saturday night, yeah; A rub dub, just relaxin’ in the tub; Thinkin’ everythin’ was alright
Hope you’re staying cool, Vast Readership. Maybe you live in one of those places that’s falling right now. If so, lucky you!
Every morning, I wait at the bottom of the stairs in great anticipation.
The burning question is always: WHAT WILL LEGS1 HAVE ON HER FEET TODAY?
If she’s wearing no shoes at all, it means we’re staying put for the foreseeable future:
Whoa–That’s Nasty! I Think Legs1 Needs A Spa Day. (Image: www.councilofelrond.com)
I sigh heavily and head back to my pillow for a nap.
Similarly, if she’s wearing these doohickeys, we ain’t going nowhere, no how:
Flip flopping away, flip flopping away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you flip flopping away. (With apologies to Simon & Garfunkel.)
I sigh heavily and head back to my pillow for a nap.
Now, these are true puzzlers. They almost always mean that Legs1 is leaving the house. But am I going with her? I usually can’t tell until the last minute:
Sandals, Sandals Everywhere–But Put A Jax Out Of His Misery! Are We Going Out Or Not?!
I’d say with these, there’s a 60-70% chance that I sigh heavily and head back to my pillow for a nap.
Now these are my FAVORITES, despite their less-than-attractive appearance. When Legs1 has these on, she means business. She’s going outside and there is a very high chance that I am not only going with her, we are going for walkies:
The Sneakiest Sneakers In Sneakytown–Oh How I Love You!
I do NOT sigh heavily and head back to my pillow for a nap. Instead, I do the Sneakertown Shuffle. Here you see me taking the first few steps of that highly choreographed dance:
First You Bow To The Sneakers, Then You Take A Little Hop…
As you can see, my life is full of stress and drama. But the moments of joy and pageantry more than make up for it.
Every since I wrote about my love for Mini-Baby, I have been deluged with questions from my Vast Readership.
Okay, I’ve received three questions, which Ugly Dog informs me isn’t that many. But according to Legs1 and Legs2, Ugly Dog is suffering from “sour grapes,” so I’m not to listen to her.
I don’t know what that means, but I try to always do what Legs1 and Legs2 say.
In partnership with Mini-Baby herself, I have developed answers to your very insightful queries:
1. Mini-Baby is an idiotic name. Why doesn’t your new girlfriend have a cool name, like Mowzy does? You know, MOWZY—your first and only love, the one who will return your affections forever and ever? Huh? HUH??
(Hmm, I suspect that this question may be from Mowzy… but I’m going to answer it anyway.)
Mini-Baby was named thusly because she looks a lot like Baby, who is My Little Pony’s special friend. I spent an entire afternoon looking for differences between them, and I finally realized that Mini-Baby is much smaller in size (but not in heart!) than Baby:
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.”
2. How does Mini-Baby keep her smile so very very brilliant?
Mini-Baby takes her dental hygiene very seriously, which is one of the things I love about her.
(Eeuuww—Ugly Dog just hacked up another hairball! Disgusting.)
Where was I?
Oh yes: dental hygiene. And she just has a lot to smile about, with me in her life.
(Eeuuww, Ugly Dog is at it again. Boy, Legs1 and Legs2 are going to have their work cut out for them when they get home.)
The Better To Eat You With!
3. Who Puts Mini-Baby In The Corner?
I’m not allowed to put Mini-Baby in the corner. In fact, the only one who can is Legs1. I growl at her, but very quietly so I don’t get in trouble.
Nobody Puts (Mini-)Baby In A Corner! Okay, Legs1 Does. But No One Else!
So there you have it for today! Please feel free to submit more questions for me and my lady love.
(Sheesh; there goes Ugly Dog again!)
If you recall, my grandmama recently returned from a trip that included meeting my new pen pal, Bonnie.
It turns out she also met another dog: a snuffle hound who lives in Sweeten!
I’d be snuffling a lot, too, if I lived in a place with lots of sugar. I loves me some sugar!
Excuse me a minute, I’m being yelled at.
Ugly Dog: HEY, LITTLE RAT!
Me: WHAT? I’M BUSY!
Ugly Dog: IT’S A TRUFFLE HOUND, NOT A SNUFFLE HOUND!
Me: A WHAT?
Ugly Dog: A TRUFFLE HOUND!
Me: WHAT’S A TRUFFLE?
Ugly Dog: IT’S A DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE INDULGENCE THAT YOU CAN’T HAVE BECAUSE CHOCOLATE CAN KILL DOGS!
Me: THEN WHY DOES THIS DOG HUNT THEM?
Ugly Dog: I DUNNO; I GUESS BECAUSE IT LIVES IN SWEETEN!
Huh. I’m not sure any of this makes sense. Ugly Dog does like to “fill my head with nonsense,” according to Legs1 and Legs2. But anyway, here’s a picture of the snuffle—or truffle—hound:
Truffle hounds are trained to hunt truffles (a subterranean fungus) that people like to eat. This truffle dog lives in Visby on Gotland Island in Sweden.
My grandmama provided the caption, which I greatly appreciate. (Even though she spelled Sweeten wrong, and doesn’t mention anything about chocolate. Hmm! Who is wrong: Grandmama or Ugly Dog? I don’t want to be in the room when they discuss this issue.)
Something else I gotta say. This dog doesn’t look particularly special to me. I mean, he or she is cute and all, but you can’t tell from looking at it that it snuffles truffles.
Ah well. Not everyone wears their greatness on the outside, like I do!
Before I tell you my exciting news, I must apologize for my long absence from these pages. It’s been hot in Sandy Eggo, and so I’ve just been sleeping and eating and sleeping some more. Too hot for walkies, too hot for blogging. As Legs1 says, “It’s too hot to do anything except complain about the heat.”
But there’s a slight ease in the weather—or else we’re getting used to it—and so I have an announcement.
It’s official: I’ve met the girl of my dreams.
Her name is Mini-Baby, and she’s a stunner.
That nose! That smile! That spectacular body—and so blue!
Here she is, in all her glory:
The Most Beautiful Girl In The World!
She’s hot, right? And look, she even looks amazing from afar:
However Far Away I Will Always Love You
Nobody better come between us. I have a feeling I’m the jealous type (see Green-Eyed Monster):
It’s Just Too Good To Be True, Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You
Mini-Baby is my soulmate. I believe we will be together forever!