You may recall that it rained here in Sandy Eggo last year.

Well, it is happening again today, and so I have been dressed in yellow once more.

Feeling Philosophical In The Drippy Weather

Apparently, this rain thing is going to be a regular occurrence.

Even My Little Pony is bothered by this odd weather. Here she is pictured charging the screen door to get away from the torrents of water. Sigh; guess I’m gonna have to open it for her again.

Hey, What’s Over There? More Rain!

A little dog’s jobs are never done!

And I gotta find out if raincoats come in other colors, because yellow is just not doing it for me.

You may recall that several months ago we celebrated various Holler Days.

One of them was called Kris Mess, and for that, Grandmama Legs gave all of us bloggers a Gift Card! I didn’t even know what a Gift Card was until Legs1 and Legs2 took me shopping at a paradise named PetSmart.

Just LOOK at all the goodies we came home with!

These Gift Items Pass The Most Rigorous Test Of All–The Sniff Test, By Moi!

Here is a portrait of my lovely and generous Grandmama Legs:

Grandmama Legs And Her Kickin’ Shoes

(You can see that I inherited my coloring from her.)

Thanks, Grandmama, for the fantastic gifts!

Love,

Jax, Ugly Dog, My Little Pony, Cage, and AGM

We get plenty of questions here at Jax-Attax. Some of them we can’t answer (“How high is up?” “Who does your taxes?”), but others are easier:

Dear Jax-Attax,

You keep mentioning your “vast readership,” but I think I may be the only one reading your blog. Please elaborate.

Signed,

Sweetums McBarky of En Why, En Why

Thanks for the great question, Sweetums. While I appreciate your patronage, you are NOT my only reader. Why, I have four or five others!

Here are some examples for your bemusement.

A recent member to our Vast Readership is Stitch, from LommySa (Legs1 says he looks like the Flying None in this picture, but I don’t know what that means):

I May Look Asleep, But I’m Listening To You!

And then there’s Emily from Sack Of Tomatoes (apparently she’s a Little Monster–fascinating):

Don’t TELL Me I Have White Man’s Overbite–I Can Shake This Thing!

And then there’s Banner (aka Robert Bruce Banner aka Bob aka THE HULK) in Sanma Teyo:

Hulk SMASH!

Here is are some Teddy Dogs from Will Men Tan. I believe that for them, reading my blog is a group effort:

Has Jax Posted Again Yet? I Don’t Know I Can’t See. Let Me Look! No, Let Me!

And last but not least, we do have other ugly dogs in our audience. Here is Anonamouse from the interwebs:

I Want To See More Ugly Dog and AGM Pranks!

So you see, Sweetums, my Vast Readership is indeed vast.

Thanks for the great question!

I understand some of you need reassurance after the marvelous prank AGM and I pulled on Little Rat.

You needn’t worry; I am not yet worm food.

But I HAVE been rather exhausted.

Thank you for your concern, but as you can see here, it is (mostly) unwarranted:

I’ll Remain Under Wraps For A While–You Go Ahead And Carry On

Until next time!

(By the way, has anyone seen AGM?!)

Legs1 and Legs2 say it is NOT called Smooshy-Face Day, it is called Valentine’s Day.

If that’s true. then why do they keep making those faces? And Cage keeps making kissing noises; what’s up with that?

Besides, I can’t get a straight answer about what a “Valentine” is.

Oh, wait.

Legs1 just handed me something. It’s from Friend Cathe, who lives in Will Men Tan? Dell’s Aware! (Funny place to live, right?)

And it’s pretty wonderful.

See?

This Card Is Actually Addressed To All The Bloggers, But I’m Keeping It For ME, Because I Was Recently The Victim Of A Cruel Hoax. So There!

I guess we can call it Valentine’s Day, but just in case, I’m practicing my smooshy face.

Thank you for the card, Friend Cathe!

I was strolling around the house the other day, when I came across this charming fellow. His name is AGM, and he has a Cunning Plan for pulling a prank on Ugly Dog.

FINALLY! I Was Allowed To Move, And Now I Share My Plans–Chortle!

In this plan, I am to chase Ugly Dog upstairs, where AGM will ambush her!

SUCH a great idea.

Wait—there she is now! All smirky and self-satisfied. But we have a Cunning Plan—BWA-HA-HA-HA!

Oh, Little Rat! Come Here, Sweet Puppy Dog! I’ve Got A Surprise For You…

Now I’ve got Ugly Dog nearly cornered upstairs.

But I wonder where AGM has disappeared to?

Come Closer, Little Rat. Closer, Closer…

I round the corner, and…

UH-OH!!!! What happened? Did she drop dead of fright?

OH MY GOD. I am going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE when Legs1 and Legs2 get home!

Ha Ha! Who Played A Cunning Plan On Whom, Eh, Little Rat?

And where IS AGM? After all, “good friends help you move, best friends help you move bodies”—and right now, I need a BFF.

If I don’t find him soon, my next post may be from the pokey!

Today we’re doing something called “putting away Kris mess.”

The only person named Kris I could find was this jolly fellow:

Hey, Everyone Named Kris? Stop Making Messes!

He doesn’t look very messy to me, so I just kept him company for a while. We put a few away while we were at it:

Bartender, A Round For Me And My New Friend, Kris.

I’ve been informed that this is the wrong kind of “putting it away.” Picky, picky! Ah well—a Jax’s job is never done.

Meanwhile, I keep hearing sounds from upstairs that I need to investigate.

wah wah wah…new ears…wah…new plans…wah…but no one cares…wah…i don’t care…wah…i give up…

Hmm, talk about a mess!

Folks around here have been wishing each other Happy New Ears for the last day or so, but no one will explain why. I’m pretty happy with my OLD ears, so don’t see a need for an upgrade.

I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. My editor was sick and most of my friends were busy with Holler Days. I hope to keep to a more regular blogging schedule now that everyone has their new ears (maybe that’s why they got them, right?).

I thought you’d enjoy a picture of moi stretching in the optimum manner to show off my stunning new bad boy outfit:

S-t-r-e-e-e-e-t-c-h!

And, because you are the best Vast Readership ever, I will reward you with a bonus picture of my distinguished Other Side:

Distinguished Is As Distinguished Does.

Meanwhile…

Aw, Come On Guys! Can’t I Move YET? I Have New Ears and New Plans!

All of us at Jax-Attax wish you and yours a happy and healthy 2013!

Hellooo?

Anybody there? I thought someone would tell me when I could move again.

I have plans, people!

Anticipation… is keeping me waiting.

Hello? Anyone?

Well, just let me know. I’ll be here.

Thanks.

I patrol our habitat at least once a day—it’s one of my many duties. It’s important to keep the Bad Guys (and they are legion) guessing.

Usually, patrolling is one of those tasks that have become so routine that one day is much like another. But last Thursday stands out.

It was a weird day anyway, with folks dressed in autumn colors wandering around saying things like, “How about those balloons?” and “Please pass the butler” and “Happy thanks licking!” And the whole neighborhood smelled so amazing that I was worried my nose would have a heart attack.

And then I ran into this guy:

You Can’t See Me, Right?

This is how our conversation went:

Stop! Who Goes There?

JAX: GRRRRR!!

GOBBLER: Ohmygodpleasedon’thurtmeorI’llwetmypants!

JAX: Who are you?

GOBBLER: My name’s Gobbler. I can’t believe you can see me in this disguise.

JAX: I have superpowers.

GOBBLER: Yeah, but I’m in the TPP.

JAX: The what?

GOBBLER: The Turkey Protection Program.

JAX: What’s that mean?

GOBBLER: I’m being hidden from people who want to eat me.

JAX: I don’t think you need to worry about that. I live here with Ugly Dog, My Little Pony, AGM, and Cage, and Legs1 and Legs2 haven’t eaten any of us yet.

GOBBLER: Yeah, but today is Turkey Day.

JAX: In what sense?

GOBBLER: In the sense that everyone around here is cooking my brothers and sisters and feasting on them.

JAX: Oh! Is that what the amazing smell is?

GOBBLER: Why yes—

(…scuffling sounds…)

In The Spirit Of The Season: KILL KILL KILL!

JAX: BRRRAAAPPP!

Sorry everyone, but Gobbler had to leave suddenly. But he was an interesting guest, wasn’t he? And so, as you can see, that particular patrol will remain in my memory for a long time.

Happy Thanks Licking!